I was born yesterday. The conditions are entirely unacceptable. The heated indoor swimming pool is gone, and I have found that poop is an unpleasant thing to feel against one's skin. There is some sort of ritual in the hospital whereby a staff member creeps in every time I fall asleep to poke me with something sharp. Parents cannot be trusted to protect me from this, though they appear sympathetic. I will consider their loyalty questionable for now. Had a circumcision today. I do not advise it. Imagine having Mr. Tinkle turned into a flaming hot pepper before your very eyes.

Mommy has become an entirely agreeable source of food. Apparently I have a brother, though I don't know what good he is; he can neither feed me nor change my diaper. He watches me with a mixture of curiosity and jealousy. Upon seeing me nursing, he seemed to want to ask Mommy: 1) who is this strange child attached to you, and 2) why did we ever stop doing that?

I will have to keep an eye on him.

Today I woke up Mommy at 5 a.m. and directed her to reorganize the pantry. I wonder if she'll be as compliant once I'm out of the womb and no longer able to drill my heel into her bladder.